Let's Talk Wellness: Money & Mindset

Happy April! Usually, this time of year is all about spring cleaning our closets or maybe avoiding the excess pollen floating in the air. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about a different kind of clutter…that kind that lives in our heads.

I used to think of “financial wellness” as just a numbers game, having enough, saving enough, and being “good” with my budget. But I’ve realized that our relationship with money is just as much a part of wellness as the numbers themselves.

I’ve been looking at my own beliefs around finances and realized that growth isn’t just about how much is in the account; it’s about how we feel when we engage with it.

That’s why I’m so excited to introduce you to Jillian Knight. She’s a Financial Therapist, and she’s here to help us understand that money isn’t just money. It’s emotional, ancestral, and deeply connected with how we show up in the world.

Let’s talk about money!

Shaina: How did you get into the work you do as a financial therapist?

Jillian: I worked in a number of mental health settings in various roles for years after grad school, but never felt passionate or excited about them. During this time, my husband and I started our own personal finance journey, paying down massive student loan debt, which eventually led to my learning that financial therapy even existed. 

When I realized I could apply my skills and knowledge to helping people change how they were relating to money, I knew this was the work I wanted to be doing.

Shaina: I didn’t know financial therapy was a thing either! For others who are new to the term, what exactly is financial therapy? Jillian: Financial therapy is a process that combines therapeutic and financial knowledge and skills to help people improve their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors with money. 

Jillian Knight, Financial Therapist, LMFT

Shaina: I love that definition. It feels like such a relief to acknowledge our feelings about money as something that can be improved!

Some people think “money is just money.” What can happen when someone has a stressful or unhealthy relationship with money?

Jillian: A lot of things can happen when someone has an unhealthy relationship with money. They can use it to try to act out unconscious beliefs about themselves, others, and the world. 

They can assign meaning to money based on their upbringing or societal messages that make money a representation of needs like security, belonging, or self-worth. 

Shaina: I think we all have our own beliefs around what a healthy relationship with money “should” look like. How would you describe a healthy relationship around money? Jillian: A healthy relationship with money is one in which you are able to engage with money regularly to save, spend, invest, and give from a place of grounded self-awareness instead of anxiety or scarcity without obsessing over it or avoiding it. 

I also think a healthy relationship with money involves using money as a resource in alignment with your values and not expecting money to do a job it cannot do.

Shaina: Many people assume that if they just made more money, their financial stress would go away. Why isn’t that always true?

Jillian: That is certainly true in some cases, but only up to a certain point. Making money is only one aspect of financial wellness. 

Making more money does not automatically change how someone manages money or the relationship they have with it. 

Also, for some people, the goal post keeps moving, and they feel like there will never be enough money to make them feel secure. 

Shaina: That moving goal post feels so real. It’s like running a race where the finish line keeps moving up a mile. How do our early experiences or family dynamics shape the way we think and feel about money as adults?

Jillian: Significantly! Our initial beliefs about money are present by age 9, and this stage of development is primarily influenced by the family we grow up in. 

Whether our parents talked about money or didn’t, how they managed their money, if there was plenty of money or not enough, these experiences could all have an impact.

Interestingly, the security of our early relationships with primary caregivers, our attachment style, can also impact how we think and feel about money as adults. 

Shaina: That’s so crazy that our money beliefs are already present when we are 9 years old! It makes sense why they feel so ingrained! In your experience, how does someone’s relationship with money impact their relationships with partners, friends, or family?

Jillian: The meaning we assign to money: power, control, love, freedom, security, can show up in all of these relationships. 

For example, if you learned early on to associate financial success with self-worth, you might become hyperfocused on achieving higher and higher levels of financial success to the detriment of your relationships. 

Another example is that if you tend toward people-pleasing, you might spend money on friends, romantic partners, and/or family members to keep them happy with you. 

Shaina: Many people feel financial anxiety even when they’re technically “doing well.” Why does that happen?

Jillian: In my experience, many of these people grew up in financial scarcity or experienced what I would call a financially traumatic event in which they learned that money is scarce and/or it can quickly all go away. 

An example of this might be a recession, job loss, bankruptcy, or illness that impacts them directly or someone close to them. This can also be caused by someone experiencing emotional scarcity (not getting their emotional needs met as a child) or by experiencing trauma. 

Shaina: What’s one common belief about money and finances that you see causing more harm than good?

Jillian: That if you have an unhealthy relationship with money, it is all your fault. This is harmful because there are so many complex factors outside of your control that have contributed to you relating to money in the way you do. I’ve seen this belief lead to so much unnecessary shame and self-criticism. 

Shaina: What’s one small shift or practice someone can start today that can help them feel calmer or more grounded around money?

Jillian: Notice your breathing and how your body feels when you interact with your money. This could be when you look at your bank account, make a purchase, or pay a bill. 

Are you holding your breath?

Is your breath deep or shallow? 

Are you clenching your jaw? 

How does your body feel? Tense or relaxed, warm or cool, etc. 

Then the next time you are getting ready to engage with your money, check in with how you're feeling first. 

Then intentionally slow and deepen your breathing, breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and feel your feet on the floor. 

Shaina: I’ve been practicing this myself! I’ve been playing my favorite music, lighting a candle, getting a cozy blanket, and breathing before I sit down to do my finances, and it’s made all the difference! If someone reading this feels anxious or overwhelmed about money, what’s one thing you hope they take away from this conversation?

Jillian: It’s not all your fault, and it is possible to feel calm and confident with money.

I would also add that if you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed, there is a good chance you tend toward avoiding money (been there myself!), which only makes the anxiety and overwhelm worse. 

When you can make sense of your relationship with it and start to take small action steps, it becomes easier and less overwhelming.

Final Takeaway:

Thank you so much, Jillian! What I’m taking away from this is that my relationship with money is a living thing, and like any relationship, it requires curiosity instead of judgment.

If you’ve been feeling that "financial fog" or holding your breath every time you open an app, remember: It’s not all your fault. 

You’re unlearning years of patterns, and that takes time.

Your April Wellness Challenge:

This week, I invite you to try out Jillian’s “Body Check.” Next time you reach for your wallet or check your balance, don’t worry about the numbers yet. Just check in with your breath. Are you clenching? Are you holding? Just breathe.

If this conversation resonated with you, I highly recommend following Jillian at @financialtherapistjillian or visiting her website here. 

Here’s to a month of breathing deeper, even when we’re looking at our bank accounts. Love these monthly deep dives?  This Q&A is part of The Wellness Edit, a monthly series where we explore the intersection of mental, physical, and emotional health. If you want these insights (and exclusive challenges!) delivered straight to your inbox every month, join the community here.